a decade of shit

The most surprising part about 2010-2020 is that I'm still alive, for years I didn't think I would live to see the next year, sadly, still now in 1.1.2020 I can't say that anything has changed.

I am still depressed and shit, sure I've gained new experiences and knowledge, however the essence of me is still the same, I may understand now why I am depressed, but that doesn't change the fact that I am depressed.


hahahah, this made my day. This extension I'm using for spellchecking etc told me my recent post is "sad" :DD

scared

My mood lately is scaring me, I either feel nothing, or I'm contemplating suicide-


It's not the first time I feel like this, or I've had darker months, however the difference is that as I age, I lose more and more hope in being able to change it, my life that is.

The thing is, I don't really think I'll kill myself anytime soon, however the thoughts linger-

loneliness

Far too many evenings are spent with alcohol or sleeping pills trying to numb the feeling of alienation I feel. Life as a social creature, but one who is not good enough for the group, really has no place nor meaning. I don't consider myself suicidal as I have no active intentions of offing myself, I'm just tired of being the odd one out.

There's this silly children's game where you have like 10 people, 9 chairs, 1 person suddenly stops the music, the one standing drops out. That's me, except, the music is some signal I don't detect, so I don't understand why I always end up being the dummy.

Whenever I'm at university it feels a bit better, since at least there are people, not so many to speak with, since nobody likes me.
Haven't been able to figure out what it is, that I lack, that most people in our society seem to possess.

Lately I've pondering this issue, we can never see ourselves the way other's do, which means that we're dependant on the reflection and honesty of others if we wish to improve as individuals. However if you are like me, that there is no-one to aid you in this way, there really isn't much one can do to change the situation.

Personally what I do is.. Study, I try to learn more and more things, that maybe someone will find me interesting, can't say that this method works, as I'm still stuck in this position, and I try, i speak to unknown people whenever I can, it just seems like some people are interesting in the eyes of others, whilst others are not..

depression

I really don't know what to do with my life, it feels so tedious to constantly be depressed.

I'm not suicidal, just tired, I stopped using instagram and snapchat, since according to various studies those social media types just worsen the feeling for depressed individuals. I've attended various forms of therapy for the past six or seven years, and taking daily medication in the form of ssri/snri.

It just feels like this is something that will always be there for me, a constant lower energy level than other people, how am I to compete with others like this?

I have no good qualities, at least not enough, to compensate for the pile of shit that I am.

Digital boundaries

Yesterday in class we discussed our generations addictions to phones, how so many people feel like they have to be available for others 24/7, I find this fascinating, because these people do have boundaries in real life, that they upkeep and enforce. However when it comes to "digital boundaries" they don't seem to exist.

Digital boundaries, in my opinion this should be discussed much more in our society and life, be it in school and so on. I'm thinking I should bring this up in class, just so that my classmates maybe will ponder upon it.

I won't say names, that would be rude, however in the classroom the consensus seemed to be that they feel like they have to be available all the time for others, so that the person messaging them won't feel bad in case they don't get an answer instantly.

This is unfair in my opinion, because its about projecting their insecurities on others through the means of social media & technology.

I think this is fascinating though, how passive aggressiveness and other toxic social behaviors get amplified by technology.

Anyhow, I'll resume writing on this topic at some point.

me myself, and others

As I wrote earlier, I started studying this fall at university. I think its kinda hilarious, that I'm studying education, and the educational system we use is so flawed.

So far we've only had group assignments. And let me tell you, these are the worst, as my study language is Swedish, I have to learn writing in that language, and for me it's so much harder then in English.

According to theory, it should be useful for students to learn through teamwork, however it's not the case when the student in question(me) is so utterly horrible at writing.

I feel an immense pressure to not be the reason my groups assignment fails. It feels unfair, to impose this pressure on the student, who already knows, he or she is the weakest in the group.

It seems like the people who choose this type of assignments have never been the weakest in their group, otherwise they would understand what it entails.

I wish we had more solo assignments, because then I could grow in peace, without worrying that if I fail, I drag the rest with me.

Otherwise it's going as expected, I don't have any friends on the class, however I don't feel like they hold any animosity towards me either, so that's improvement.

languages are fascinating

Now that my studies have started, it has been amusing me, how different it is for me to write reflections in Swedish compared to English that I'm used with.
Already the way I think and describe myself changes greatly between these two languages.
I understand some parts of it, for me, the English language has been what allowed me to grow as a person, whilst Swedish is burdened with trauma from my youth.

It will be an interesting and tough journey, to get comfortable with expressing myself primarily in Swedish instead of English.
I ought to ask the teachers in my life whom I respect, if they have any suggestions for me how to work on this apart from just writing and letting it get better with time, because, despite how I look at myself, I know I am capable of developing in this area.

However, I would not be me, If I wouldn't approach the problem from many fronts at the same time. Because why not? It's fun to experiment things on oneself

life?

Most of my life, I've been plagued by this reoccurring question about how to find meaning in my life.

I don't understand how to be religious, that seems like the obvious solution for many.

Having children for the sake of finding a purpose for your life seems egotistical, therefore wrong. Not to mention the fact, that I doubt anyone would want to breed with me.

If I have to come up with a meaning for it, it means there is no meaning, even if I come up with one, as it's just an arbitrary value.

Maybe this is a part of my depression, I don't know, need to find some people who are well to ask this I guess.



When I ask my peers about this, it highly confuses them, why I even think about it, however, trying to avoid a thought, doesn't mean it doesn't come back. So I better figure out a way to settle it, since it drives me insane, well I'm not sane anyway I think..

start of school

today my school started;
it felt weird, been 8 years since the last time I was a new student, currently, I'm waiting for the studies to begin, can't wait to learn something new.
Sadly I heard from my tutor that sadly this program has a low amount of studies at the start. I'll have to enrol on some open-university courses to fill my schedule. Because for me the main way to keep motivation up, is a constant stream of knowledge.

According to a specped teacher I was talking to earlier; "I think your main problem will be to keep up your motivation for studies that go slow"

thoughts pre - school launch

I'm feeling a tad jittery at the moment since my school is starting in two weeks. This is the first time I'll attend school without being plagued by daily dissociations. So it will be interesting to see, how it is, to learn, without constantly forgetting what has happened during the day. Also because now I will start studying far more theoretical topics, instead of the easier things I've studied up to now.

Hopefully, I will learn some interesting things, have been mostly trying to learn physics this summer on my own so it will be a nice change to have someone teaching me instead, of me teaching myself.

During the interviews, one thing they kept asking time and time again was "Do you think you can handle the level at university even though you haven't been to gymnasiet.

I don't know, I will see, either way, it's not like we have to know things, before we've had a chance to learn it.

humans make no sense

It has happened a few times this summer; that I've found myself in arguments where I can't grasp how the other party thinks

And since these conversations have to do with peoples moral principles, the question also arises, do they have to make sense?
In short, I'd say, no. However, if one challenges someone else's personal views, then you also have to be able to present your own.

An easy example would be, how people react on someone being on the opposite side of them on political or religious views.

We have the right of having and expressing our personal opinions, however when it comes to let's say, religious,  racial, sexual identity, people become much harsher if the other person doesn't share their values.

Whilst, if it's between what ice cream is better, it's easier to remember that it's the opinion you don't agree with, not the person.

The easiest example would be people who say things like "If you're racist, it means you're an idiot, and shouldn't be allowed to voice your opinion"

Because by saying that, you show the same intolerance and prejudice as the person who's racist, yet in our society, it puts them on the moral high ground, because their opinion is the more popular.


And then the other part is this whole polarising of everything, it doesn't have to be binary, on other areas people are getting more into thinking about things in a spectrum, however when it comes to opposing views, it always tends to end up in a "we against them"

// rant over

I don't think I've ever met a person who shares my beliefs and values, and because of this, I've had to learn to accept other peoples opinions in a much wider range than many other's do.
Personally, I don't think religions are a good thing in this day and age, at least not in the way we force it upon children from an early age.
And whilst this is my view on it, it doesn't stop me from respecting a person whose religious, because for me it is completely fine, that they don't share my thoughts on everything.

observations

There's this one behavioral pattern in humans that have been bothering me for ages.

I call it "I ought to know this; otherwise I'm stupid"; train of thought.

If anyone else thinks or observes this in any other individual we deem it as lunacy. However, for most people when it happens themselves, they don't realize it happening.

Personally I'm a big fan of podcasts. They offer me the chance to be a fly on a wall, in a situation where two interesting people converse.

However often when I try to recommend good episodes to friends, acquaintances etc. I get the response that

"I feel stupid when I listen to podcasts if I don't understand everything".

This is a statement that stems directly out of their ego, why, how would they assume that they ought to know what the expert on the episode speaks of, they are often older, experts in their field of study.

And this somehow stops them from enjoying the episode. This, boggles my mind. We can enjoy music, without understanding the underlying theory of it, same with any other form of art. And in these cases it doesn't bother these people that they don't "understand everything."

When I try to dig deeper into their minds, to map the train of thoughts leading to the aversion, if, they agree to having their mind picked, it usually stems from shame.

Therefore we can conclude that, because the podcasts are intellectual, they feel inferior if they can't understand everything.



Anyhow, you get the gist.


And this same thing happens in classes in school, people are afraid to voice their opinions, they rather sit silently and nod their heads. In places for learning. What? why?

If they're not comfortable to expose their vulnerabilities in situations meant for education, where are they?

What am i?

I often catch myself observing myself in various situations, nowadays it's called being mindful.
However, when I grew up it was because of something called dissociation, depersonalization.

I developed it as a defence mechanism against rough, anxiety/panic-inducing situations, my therapists say it's because of bullying.
For me, it feels like it was a method to cope with the world itself, by observing myself from the sidelines I could look at myself as in a movie, a documentary. I often narrated whatever was happening around me, however, it also made me sad, so sad, because no matter what was happening around me, it felt like I wasn't part of it.

This picture by Shawn cross really illustrates the alienation, isolation I felt.

I was tested for autism and ADHD, I didn't, however, end up with a diagnosis, apparently, my intelligence and impulse levels are too high.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Because the point remains the same, this picture is the closest I've felt the sense of belonging.


Last winter these dissociations suddenly disappeared, instead, I started having panic attacks again which was lovely, because instead of disappearing from the world as before. I got to soak in the anxiety, which again made it feel like I was finally alive again.


Sure, it made me suddenly start crying around people in social settings, in class and so on. That didn't really bother me though since these were the same places where I before was observing myself as part of the group, yet apart.

So why would I care if they judged me, an adult man suddenly sobbing. In fact, it was freeing, it felt like I finally managed to stop caring how others perceive me.

About me

As a child, I enjoyed learning. For some reason, despite this fact, I didn’t do well in school. Some part of it may have to do with the weird class system my school used, another part with the bullying I had to endure. In high school, it got so bad that my class teacher and my student advisor both told me that I was “too stupid” for upper secondary school. They advised me to go to vocational school instead, so that’s what I did. It never felt really right. Because of what happened to me as a child and as a teenager, for a long time, I thought I was dumb. Recently I’ve started to notice that my view on myself might have been wrong. It’s a strange thing to suddenly notice that everybody isn’t smarter than me. The people I’ve considered inherently more clever, because of their different paths in life, aren’t in fact always above me. For years, whenever I encountered people who graduated upper secondary school, I overestimated their intelligence - and thus, I underestimated my own. This lead to me having really weird conversations with people because I assumed that if I knew something, they would too. They would not only know about it, they would also have a much higher level of understanding of it than I did. The majority of people also seem to be ashamed of admitting that they don’t know something because they pride themselves on their intelligence. Adding this to the situation, my conversations got even weirder. Anyhow. Around the time that I was about 23, I started to learn different subjects on my own. These were subjects where I felt I was lacking because I had been so weak in school. It wasn’t until a few months ago when my therapist asked me what my method of learning is, that I realised I had been doing something “wrong.” Wrong in this sense is related to the Finnish school system. Whenever I start to learn something new, I compare it in my mind to my old understanding of the topic and see if the previous problems are solved by adding the new knowledge. This has most likely been the problem, my therapist said. It blew my mind. To succeed in the school system, you shouldn’t try to understand, analyse and figure out ways to use new knowledge. Instead, you ought to be able to memorise and recall the information, often only for exams. After that, the knowledge is forgotten. [This, of course, is an exaggeration of how the system works, but sadly the main point remains true. Think about it. How often haven’t you studied like crazy for a test, done it, and been done with it? Not using the information, worst case, ever again? When I realised this, I got mad at myself for not understanding that this was how it had worked. I’ve always thought that I’m bad at mathematics because my high school math grades were poor. It isn’t until recently that’ I’ve been thinking of trying to learn it my way. Whilst searching for methods, I stumbled upon this talk by a woman named Barbara Oakley. That’s what inspired me to start reflecting on myself and on how I learn. For now, this weird text shall serve as my introduction to myself; and I'll leave you readers with this fascinating talk by Barbara Oakley.

What does the sheep say?

Intention.

I know I wrote about motivation earlier. The concept of how 'intention' works is similar to how motivation works, in my mind. Motivation is ’what’ makes us do things, whilst intention is 'why' we do things: the idea behind our actions.

I often think along the lines of acting and/or reacting. Are the things I do actions or reactions? How about other people? As I think of it, with an action, the intention is clear to us. A reaction, however, is when we act on other people’s intentions.

Let’s take for an example, you wake up in the morning, you may make your bed, but is it because, that’s what you grew up with?
Then it’s still most likely a reaction to your parent's wishes, whilst if you do it intentionally, it becomes an active thing.

I’m one of those lucky people who wakes up early naturally, so I don’t have to use an alarm clock, so for me the first intentional action I do, is getting up. For many, their waking up is a reaction to that terrible sound.

Don’t worry, if you’re one of the clock people, you can still change the direction of the day, by for example making the bed, as an active thing, for yourself. Or even better, make your bed, put on coffee and meditate whilst waiting for it.
Often people say that they feel like they have no control in their lives, just by small things like this, one can change the feeling, so instead of starting the day on the back foot, reacting to things whole day, try to be more aware of the things you do.



Now that we’re past the morning, let’s go into what’s been on my mind lately.

Over the years I've observed various friends struggle with addictions. Often they say "I will stop with this now", however, that rarely works out. I think that’s because the intention isn't there to really do it. Instead, it’s a reaction to the shame they’re feeling.

It's never easy. I myself was addicted to gaming for a long time. However, when I was ready to quit, I managed to do it. It was an active choice to do it, not a reaction to people around me.
That's why I think it takes a certain amount of self-reflection and understanding of oneself to be able to quit destructive behaviour. You have to understand why you do it: what's the intention behind the action? Why do you drink? Why do you do drugs? What’s the real reason behind it? For most, I'd say it's the escape. Being able to take a break.

[Sadly, a lot of us has been there. ] Observing a friend becoming worse and worse with their self-destructive behaviours, yet there's nothing we can do. All we’re left with is picking up the pieces when they hit rock bottom.

Everyone knows the thing with traffic lights. If one person crosses the road when it's red, many other will follow, without even thinking about it. The person who takes the first step makes an active choice to walk despite the light being red. The others just follow as a reaction. The lovely herd mentality of our breed of animals, hmm?

Next time you're in that situation, crossing the road even though the light is red because others are doing it, stop to think. Do you follow because you really can’t wait a few seconds more or do you follow because you’re just another sheep?

beautiful lies

On the yoga retreat I attended, we had a practice, to tell a randomly chosen person, the lies we have told in our lives, that have bothered us the most and the least.

After walking a few kilometres, and sharing our lives, we came to the conclusion, that the lies we tell other's are usually split into two types, 'white lies' to protect the feelings of others, and the 'self-deceits' which exist to protect ourselves, to strengthen the lie we live.

Personally, I think that we overuse white lies, I think we would live much less in self-deceit, if people around us were more honest to us, instead of worrying "will it hurt his/her feelings". Although I have no idea how to change this, normally I'd go with the "practice what you preach" thinking, but if I'm the only one doing it, I will come across as an asshole.


HAHA, almost got you there, I'm too blunt, I will tell my honest opinion of things, and I wish others would treat me the same way.


My pair for the practice was an older woman, she told me about the times she cheated on her partner's, and how it made her feel afterwards when coming clean or taking the lie to the grave.
What she, and I learned, was that the hardest part was accepting the behaviour oneself, realising that one is not the person one thinks;
And the anxiety from the insight that "Even I don't live up to my own values".

Does this mean that the moral principles we live by, are wrong, if we time and time again break them, or are the values self-deceits themselves?

How "we wish we would be", or "how we wish others would perceive us"

This can be thought upon from many perspectives, maybe the values one has is not one's own. Maybe they are inherited from family, or the culture one grew up in.

How many of us are even aware of the values that seem to control us? In many ways the remind of the so called 'social norms' that most people seem aware of, yet, if you ask them to list them; They are usually incapable of it unless someone breaks one of them.

I think this is a topic that should be discussed more, because, after all it often takes another person to open our eyes.

yoga, and doing things on impulse pt2

Another interesting thing was the anonymity of the place.
I'm bad with names, but even so, people just used each other's first names, nobody really told their occupation etc, since it wasn't relevant for the occasion.

So the discussions felt like back in the internet era I grew up in, people just spoke with each other, so my version of smalltalk worked.
I'm aware that my definitions of small & deep talk is 'weird', but nonetheless, it worked to just speak out whatever what was on my mind.

But after a few days of doing that, one could start figuring out their jobs etc, based on their perspective in different things I talked about.

It's kinda sad, but.. at least old people seem to appreciate talking with me, I wish more people in my own age would do it.. But, better than nothing.

Was these weird things we had to do, like me + some random person, and we had to tell the other one about small things we appreciate in our life.

My pair told me like "I've never spoken about these things with another man" (he was like 50-60 years old)

So I asked him like, "As you're about twice my age, at what point did you start appreciating the small things in life?"

This opened the floodgates, was rather amusing, how one well formulated and guiding question did that.

On the next day, it was a similar one, except this time, we had to tell about different lies we've told during our lives.

For my part it quickly went into an 'thinking out loud' how most of the lies we tell, are self-deceit.

Overall the yoga retreat was an interesting experience, I know that I wrote earlier, that I most likely wouldn't attend one in a while again.. I changed my mind on this, I could do it, if it was a different themed one.

yoga, and doing things on impulse pt1

Last saturday my dear yoga teacher messaged me, that "going to saarijärvi on an yoga retreat for a few days, you free? Got an extra ticket"

Well, my first reaction was "no, sounds troublesome", but considering I have my self-regulatory rules about yoga, that says "unless I got a proper reason, I should always do it"
So I changed my mind in an instant and agreed to it.

Soon I was on the way to Suomen joogaopisto that's in this idyllic place in Saarijärvi.

It wasn't until I sat alone in the evening outside, that it hit me "This is gonna be weird, but interesting"

Since I've never thought that I'd go to this types of things, as I didn't like summer camps really as a child.


The yoga style was "integral hatha"
Which is something I've been doing for a couple of years, currently my yoga has been rather lacking.

But it was an interesting experience, and I generally like to train it after a break, because it forces me to listen to my mind, instead of going on muscle memory.

It's fascinating when the body is like "let's do it like we did when I was practicing daily, but then I notice that I don't have to it, it's enough with less.
It may sound mundane, but for me who generally do everything to the extreme it's rather weird feeling to not do something to 100%, and instead listening to my body.

The retreat was from saturday to wednesday, but I had to leave a half-day early, as I had an appointment at Huutoniemien sairaala for the autism/adhd diagnosis that has been undergoing for about an year now.

It felt weird, to go sleep 21-22, waking up at 6, doing a morning practice from 7 to 8:30 before breakfast, but it's a nice start to the day, even if the pace of the class was rather slow for me, I would had prefered a more energizing workout.

The days had different themes based on the 'yamas'. On sunday it was 'ahimsa', so as I wasn't feeling so great in the morning, I didn't attend the meditation and pranayama class. I felt somehow guilty, and that I was disappointing my teacher who invited me, but that's the idea kinda of ahimsa, to not hurt others or oneself, to listen to what the body want's instead of what the mind thinks i ought to do.

In the sunday evening I was feeling really weird, wasn't sure why. Until I realised it was the lack of listening to podcasts, so once I did that, it all felt good.

As most people there were beginners in the style, and the focus was as an introductory course to the style, I didn't attend many of the non asana classes or pranayama ones.
Since when it comes to me, I rather sit by myself and do the breathing and meditation exercises.

Overall it was okay, I'm not sure I'll be attending one in a while, but I know that many of my friends one enjoy it.


For me it felt like I was a documentarian there, observing some type of social experiment.
For an example, the breakfast was meant to be in silence, people adhered to the rule, but when the teacher left, it was hilarious to observe a group of 20 mostly in 50-60 years ago, starting to talk and whisper, like we were 7 and in elementary school.

I really enjoy observing these different ways group's of people act, how easily some can just listen and follow rules etc without questioning them.

thoughts on motivation

Our way of thinking and using the word motivation is skewed. Often one hears that people complain “I don’t have the motivation to do this thing” What in reality is happening, is that yes, maybe we don’t have the motivation, but the more important question to ask oneself is “Why am I doing this thing?” Far too often we do things, without knowing the true reason behind our actions, are we doing things because we want to, or because it's expected of us to do? This is the first thing we have to ask ourselves. In our society we often get different expectations be it from our parents whilst we grow up, or from the society. From our parents, the expectations are usually in the line of "Do well in school, get a good degree and a well-paying job. Whilst the expectations from the society are rather similar "Become a useful citizen, work, pay taxes, contribute and multiply. Expectations for us are fine, and may aid us in finding motivation, as long as we feel like we can fulfil them; But what happens to us, and our self-image, if we for some reason can't fulfil the expectations?

Should we rethink our goals if we can't reach them? There's this perverse "anyone can become anything" thinking in our world, and whilst it's true to a certain extent, hard work alone is not enough always. Our genes, socioeconomic background and many other factors also play roles in this.