What am i?

I often catch myself observing myself in various situations, nowadays it's called being mindful.
However, when I grew up it was because of something called dissociation, depersonalization.

I developed it as a defence mechanism against rough, anxiety/panic-inducing situations, my therapists say it's because of bullying.
For me, it feels like it was a method to cope with the world itself, by observing myself from the sidelines I could look at myself as in a movie, a documentary. I often narrated whatever was happening around me, however, it also made me sad, so sad, because no matter what was happening around me, it felt like I wasn't part of it.

This picture by Shawn cross really illustrates the alienation, isolation I felt.

I was tested for autism and ADHD, I didn't, however, end up with a diagnosis, apparently, my intelligence and impulse levels are too high.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Because the point remains the same, this picture is the closest I've felt the sense of belonging.


Last winter these dissociations suddenly disappeared, instead, I started having panic attacks again which was lovely, because instead of disappearing from the world as before. I got to soak in the anxiety, which again made it feel like I was finally alive again.


Sure, it made me suddenly start crying around people in social settings, in class and so on. That didn't really bother me though since these were the same places where I before was observing myself as part of the group, yet apart.

So why would I care if they judged me, an adult man suddenly sobbing. In fact, it was freeing, it felt like I finally managed to stop caring how others perceive me.