scared

My mood lately is scaring me, I either feel nothing, or I'm contemplating suicide-


It's not the first time I feel like this, or I've had darker months, however the difference is that as I age, I lose more and more hope in being able to change it, my life that is.

The thing is, I don't really think I'll kill myself anytime soon, however the thoughts linger-

loneliness

Far too many evenings are spent with alcohol or sleeping pills trying to numb the feeling of alienation I feel. Life as a social creature, but one who is not good enough for the group, really has no place nor meaning. I don't consider myself suicidal as I have no active intentions of offing myself, I'm just tired of being the odd one out.

There's this silly children's game where you have like 10 people, 9 chairs, 1 person suddenly stops the music, the one standing drops out. That's me, except, the music is some signal I don't detect, so I don't understand why I always end up being the dummy.

Whenever I'm at university it feels a bit better, since at least there are people, not so many to speak with, since nobody likes me.
Haven't been able to figure out what it is, that I lack, that most people in our society seem to possess.

Lately I've pondering this issue, we can never see ourselves the way other's do, which means that we're dependant on the reflection and honesty of others if we wish to improve as individuals. However if you are like me, that there is no-one to aid you in this way, there really isn't much one can do to change the situation.

Personally what I do is.. Study, I try to learn more and more things, that maybe someone will find me interesting, can't say that this method works, as I'm still stuck in this position, and I try, i speak to unknown people whenever I can, it just seems like some people are interesting in the eyes of others, whilst others are not..