languages are fascinating

Now that my studies have started, it has been amusing me, how different it is for me to write reflections in Swedish compared to English that I'm used with.
Already the way I think and describe myself changes greatly between these two languages.
I understand some parts of it, for me, the English language has been what allowed me to grow as a person, whilst Swedish is burdened with trauma from my youth.

It will be an interesting and tough journey, to get comfortable with expressing myself primarily in Swedish instead of English.
I ought to ask the teachers in my life whom I respect, if they have any suggestions for me how to work on this apart from just writing and letting it get better with time, because, despite how I look at myself, I know I am capable of developing in this area.

However, I would not be me, If I wouldn't approach the problem from many fronts at the same time. Because why not? It's fun to experiment things on oneself

life?

Most of my life, I've been plagued by this reoccurring question about how to find meaning in my life.

I don't understand how to be religious, that seems like the obvious solution for many.

Having children for the sake of finding a purpose for your life seems egotistical, therefore wrong. Not to mention the fact, that I doubt anyone would want to breed with me.

If I have to come up with a meaning for it, it means there is no meaning, even if I come up with one, as it's just an arbitrary value.

Maybe this is a part of my depression, I don't know, need to find some people who are well to ask this I guess.



When I ask my peers about this, it highly confuses them, why I even think about it, however, trying to avoid a thought, doesn't mean it doesn't come back. So I better figure out a way to settle it, since it drives me insane, well I'm not sane anyway I think..

start of school

today my school started;
it felt weird, been 8 years since the last time I was a new student, currently, I'm waiting for the studies to begin, can't wait to learn something new.
Sadly I heard from my tutor that sadly this program has a low amount of studies at the start. I'll have to enrol on some open-university courses to fill my schedule. Because for me the main way to keep motivation up, is a constant stream of knowledge.

According to a specped teacher I was talking to earlier; "I think your main problem will be to keep up your motivation for studies that go slow"

thoughts pre - school launch

I'm feeling a tad jittery at the moment since my school is starting in two weeks. This is the first time I'll attend school without being plagued by daily dissociations. So it will be interesting to see, how it is, to learn, without constantly forgetting what has happened during the day. Also because now I will start studying far more theoretical topics, instead of the easier things I've studied up to now.

Hopefully, I will learn some interesting things, have been mostly trying to learn physics this summer on my own so it will be a nice change to have someone teaching me instead, of me teaching myself.

During the interviews, one thing they kept asking time and time again was "Do you think you can handle the level at university even though you haven't been to gymnasiet.

I don't know, I will see, either way, it's not like we have to know things, before we've had a chance to learn it.

humans make no sense

It has happened a few times this summer; that I've found myself in arguments where I can't grasp how the other party thinks

And since these conversations have to do with peoples moral principles, the question also arises, do they have to make sense?
In short, I'd say, no. However, if one challenges someone else's personal views, then you also have to be able to present your own.

An easy example would be, how people react on someone being on the opposite side of them on political or religious views.

We have the right of having and expressing our personal opinions, however when it comes to let's say, religious,  racial, sexual identity, people become much harsher if the other person doesn't share their values.

Whilst, if it's between what ice cream is better, it's easier to remember that it's the opinion you don't agree with, not the person.

The easiest example would be people who say things like "If you're racist, it means you're an idiot, and shouldn't be allowed to voice your opinion"

Because by saying that, you show the same intolerance and prejudice as the person who's racist, yet in our society, it puts them on the moral high ground, because their opinion is the more popular.


And then the other part is this whole polarising of everything, it doesn't have to be binary, on other areas people are getting more into thinking about things in a spectrum, however when it comes to opposing views, it always tends to end up in a "we against them"

// rant over

I don't think I've ever met a person who shares my beliefs and values, and because of this, I've had to learn to accept other peoples opinions in a much wider range than many other's do.
Personally, I don't think religions are a good thing in this day and age, at least not in the way we force it upon children from an early age.
And whilst this is my view on it, it doesn't stop me from respecting a person whose religious, because for me it is completely fine, that they don't share my thoughts on everything.

observations

There's this one behavioral pattern in humans that have been bothering me for ages.

I call it "I ought to know this; otherwise I'm stupid"; train of thought.

If anyone else thinks or observes this in any other individual we deem it as lunacy. However, for most people when it happens themselves, they don't realize it happening.

Personally I'm a big fan of podcasts. They offer me the chance to be a fly on a wall, in a situation where two interesting people converse.

However often when I try to recommend good episodes to friends, acquaintances etc. I get the response that

"I feel stupid when I listen to podcasts if I don't understand everything".

This is a statement that stems directly out of their ego, why, how would they assume that they ought to know what the expert on the episode speaks of, they are often older, experts in their field of study.

And this somehow stops them from enjoying the episode. This, boggles my mind. We can enjoy music, without understanding the underlying theory of it, same with any other form of art. And in these cases it doesn't bother these people that they don't "understand everything."

When I try to dig deeper into their minds, to map the train of thoughts leading to the aversion, if, they agree to having their mind picked, it usually stems from shame.

Therefore we can conclude that, because the podcasts are intellectual, they feel inferior if they can't understand everything.



Anyhow, you get the gist.


And this same thing happens in classes in school, people are afraid to voice their opinions, they rather sit silently and nod their heads. In places for learning. What? why?

If they're not comfortable to expose their vulnerabilities in situations meant for education, where are they?

What am i?

I often catch myself observing myself in various situations, nowadays it's called being mindful.
However, when I grew up it was because of something called dissociation, depersonalization.

I developed it as a defence mechanism against rough, anxiety/panic-inducing situations, my therapists say it's because of bullying.
For me, it feels like it was a method to cope with the world itself, by observing myself from the sidelines I could look at myself as in a movie, a documentary. I often narrated whatever was happening around me, however, it also made me sad, so sad, because no matter what was happening around me, it felt like I wasn't part of it.

This picture by Shawn cross really illustrates the alienation, isolation I felt.

I was tested for autism and ADHD, I didn't, however, end up with a diagnosis, apparently, my intelligence and impulse levels are too high.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Because the point remains the same, this picture is the closest I've felt the sense of belonging.


Last winter these dissociations suddenly disappeared, instead, I started having panic attacks again which was lovely, because instead of disappearing from the world as before. I got to soak in the anxiety, which again made it feel like I was finally alive again.


Sure, it made me suddenly start crying around people in social settings, in class and so on. That didn't really bother me though since these were the same places where I before was observing myself as part of the group, yet apart.

So why would I care if they judged me, an adult man suddenly sobbing. In fact, it was freeing, it felt like I finally managed to stop caring how others perceive me.