a decade of shit

The most surprising part about 2010-2020 is that I'm still alive, for years I didn't think I would live to see the next year, sadly, still now in 1.1.2020 I can't say that anything has changed.

I am still depressed and shit, sure I've gained new experiences and knowledge, however the essence of me is still the same, I may understand now why I am depressed, but that doesn't change the fact that I am depressed.


hahahah, this made my day. This extension I'm using for spellchecking etc told me my recent post is "sad" :DD

scared

My mood lately is scaring me, I either feel nothing, or I'm contemplating suicide-


It's not the first time I feel like this, or I've had darker months, however the difference is that as I age, I lose more and more hope in being able to change it, my life that is.

The thing is, I don't really think I'll kill myself anytime soon, however the thoughts linger-

loneliness

Far too many evenings are spent with alcohol or sleeping pills trying to numb the feeling of alienation I feel. Life as a social creature, but one who is not good enough for the group, really has no place nor meaning. I don't consider myself suicidal as I have no active intentions of offing myself, I'm just tired of being the odd one out.

There's this silly children's game where you have like 10 people, 9 chairs, 1 person suddenly stops the music, the one standing drops out. That's me, except, the music is some signal I don't detect, so I don't understand why I always end up being the dummy.

Whenever I'm at university it feels a bit better, since at least there are people, not so many to speak with, since nobody likes me.
Haven't been able to figure out what it is, that I lack, that most people in our society seem to possess.

Lately I've pondering this issue, we can never see ourselves the way other's do, which means that we're dependant on the reflection and honesty of others if we wish to improve as individuals. However if you are like me, that there is no-one to aid you in this way, there really isn't much one can do to change the situation.

Personally what I do is.. Study, I try to learn more and more things, that maybe someone will find me interesting, can't say that this method works, as I'm still stuck in this position, and I try, i speak to unknown people whenever I can, it just seems like some people are interesting in the eyes of others, whilst others are not..

depression

I really don't know what to do with my life, it feels so tedious to constantly be depressed.

I'm not suicidal, just tired, I stopped using instagram and snapchat, since according to various studies those social media types just worsen the feeling for depressed individuals. I've attended various forms of therapy for the past six or seven years, and taking daily medication in the form of ssri/snri.

It just feels like this is something that will always be there for me, a constant lower energy level than other people, how am I to compete with others like this?

I have no good qualities, at least not enough, to compensate for the pile of shit that I am.

Digital boundaries

Yesterday in class we discussed our generations addictions to phones, how so many people feel like they have to be available for others 24/7, I find this fascinating, because these people do have boundaries in real life, that they upkeep and enforce. However when it comes to "digital boundaries" they don't seem to exist.

Digital boundaries, in my opinion this should be discussed much more in our society and life, be it in school and so on. I'm thinking I should bring this up in class, just so that my classmates maybe will ponder upon it.

I won't say names, that would be rude, however in the classroom the consensus seemed to be that they feel like they have to be available all the time for others, so that the person messaging them won't feel bad in case they don't get an answer instantly.

This is unfair in my opinion, because its about projecting their insecurities on others through the means of social media & technology.

I think this is fascinating though, how passive aggressiveness and other toxic social behaviors get amplified by technology.

Anyhow, I'll resume writing on this topic at some point.

me myself, and others

As I wrote earlier, I started studying this fall at university. I think its kinda hilarious, that I'm studying education, and the educational system we use is so flawed.

So far we've only had group assignments. And let me tell you, these are the worst, as my study language is Swedish, I have to learn writing in that language, and for me it's so much harder then in English.

According to theory, it should be useful for students to learn through teamwork, however it's not the case when the student in question(me) is so utterly horrible at writing.

I feel an immense pressure to not be the reason my groups assignment fails. It feels unfair, to impose this pressure on the student, who already knows, he or she is the weakest in the group.

It seems like the people who choose this type of assignments have never been the weakest in their group, otherwise they would understand what it entails.

I wish we had more solo assignments, because then I could grow in peace, without worrying that if I fail, I drag the rest with me.

Otherwise it's going as expected, I don't have any friends on the class, however I don't feel like they hold any animosity towards me either, so that's improvement.

languages are fascinating

Now that my studies have started, it has been amusing me, how different it is for me to write reflections in Swedish compared to English that I'm used with.
Already the way I think and describe myself changes greatly between these two languages.
I understand some parts of it, for me, the English language has been what allowed me to grow as a person, whilst Swedish is burdened with trauma from my youth.

It will be an interesting and tough journey, to get comfortable with expressing myself primarily in Swedish instead of English.
I ought to ask the teachers in my life whom I respect, if they have any suggestions for me how to work on this apart from just writing and letting it get better with time, because, despite how I look at myself, I know I am capable of developing in this area.

However, I would not be me, If I wouldn't approach the problem from many fronts at the same time. Because why not? It's fun to experiment things on oneself